If you’ve lost yourself in motherhood, there’s a name for what you’re feeling

A Finnish study published this year identifies three distinct types of loneliness experienced by new mothers: social, emotional, and existential. The research highlights that feelings of being ‘forgotten as a person’ and disconnected from oneself are common, even among mothers with ample external support. This recognition is crucial as it sheds light on the often-invisible emotional struggles that impact maternal well-being.

The study, published in the International Journal of Qualitative Studies on Health and Well-being, found that new mothers frequently experience social loneliness — feeling like everyone else’s life moves on — and emotional loneliness — feeling alone even in the presence of loved ones. More significantly, it identified a less visible form called existential loneliness, characterized by feelings of being ‘reduced’ or ‘invisible’ as an individual, which is less responsive to traditional support like playdates or partner help.

Experts from Columbia University’s Seed Mother program, co-founded by Victoria Trinko and Julia Sarewitz, confirm that this form of loneliness is rooted in a mother’s relationship with herself. They note that many mothers describe feeling confused, disoriented, and unacknowledged, often feeling like they are no longer themselves or simply a role, such as a feeding machine. This experience is linked to the concept of matrescence—the transformation of identity that occurs during motherhood—and can happen well beyond the immediate postpartum period.

Why It Matters

This research matters because it highlights a form of maternal loneliness that is often invisible and unaddressed by existing clinical tools or societal narratives. Recognizing existential loneliness as a distinct experience emphasizes the need for broader, more nuanced support for mothers. It also challenges the assumption that external support alone can resolve feelings of disconnection, underscoring the importance of acknowledging mothers’ internal emotional journeys.

Background

The phenomenon of maternal loneliness has been discussed anecdotally for years, but this study provides a structured framework for understanding its complexity. It builds on existing knowledge about postpartum depression but emphasizes that many mothers can feel profoundly isolated even without clinical depression. The concept of matrescence, introduced by researchers and practitioners, describes the identity shifts that occur in motherhood, often accompanied by grief and loss of previous self-identity. The study’s findings align with recent conversations about mental health support and the gaps in current postpartum care.

“Many mothers describe feeling confused, disoriented, overlooked, not seen, invisible, unacknowledged, underappreciated, numb, resentful.”

— Victoria Trinko

“Many mothers grieve who they were before, their identity, independence, lifestyle, or sense of control, often coexisting with love and joy.”

— Julia Sarewitz

What Remains Unclear

It remains unclear how widespread these feelings are across different cultures or socioeconomic groups, and how best to integrate this understanding into clinical practice. The long-term impacts of untreated existential loneliness are also still being studied.

What’s Next

Researchers and practitioners are calling for the development of new screening tools and support models that recognize the multidimensional nature of maternal emotional experiences. Future studies aim to explore intervention strategies that address existential loneliness directly and to evaluate their effectiveness in improving maternal well-being.

Key Questions

What is existential loneliness in motherhood?

Existential loneliness refers to feelings of being ‘forgotten as a person’ or ‘reduced’ to a role, such as a feeding machine, where a mother feels disconnected from her own identity despite external support.

Why do traditional postpartum support systems often fail to address this loneliness?

Because they tend to focus on physical health or clinical depression, overlooking internal emotional and identity-related experiences that are less visible and not captured by standard screening tools.

Can external support like playdates or partners help with this loneliness?

While helpful for social and emotional loneliness, they often do not reach the core issue of internal disconnection or identity loss, which requires internal acknowledgment and support.

How can healthcare providers better support mothers experiencing this form of loneliness?

By developing new screening approaches that recognize the multidimensional experience of motherhood and providing resources that address identity, grief, and internal emotional health.